For as long as I can remember, I’ve really hated patriotic stuff. I don’t really know why even, except that I’ve always had a strong independent streak in me and saluting a flag never felt quite right. I like what the country stands for, but not what it is, and I can’t remember the last time that anyone has ever convinced me that my vote actually counts for anything. Especially in Utah where I am. If you’re a Republican, you win, if you’re a Democrat you lose, solely on the issues of gay marriage and abortion. There’s also the part that I don’t like about voting is that you have to vote for one of the candidates. I wish there were a way to say to both canidatates that they’re lying sacks of crud and that I would never, ever voluntarily have someone who runs on a platform of attacking their opponent making laws for me to live by.
I wonder sometimes if I shouldn’t try to do something politically. I think I have some good ideas, but I would never be able to make it through all the crap a person has to go trough to get elected. And then I’d have to do in again in a few years. Not for me. And then there’s the idea that although I know that I’d be doing something for society, I would feel like I was a burden on everyone else.
Maybe that’s how I’m feeling and why I’d rather quit my job and go independent and why I get so down when Emily points out the flaws and impossibilities in my plans. I hate feeling like I’m a burden. I’d much rather have people be completely able to ignore me. That’s what I’d prefer, and I feel a lot of the time that the reason people don’t just let me be is because somehow I’m making their life difficult. I don’t want to make anyone’s life difficult, but I’d like to have nice life as much as the next person. I wonder how much of a burden I really am on the people that I know. I feel like a burden at Schoolhouse because I show up the minium amount, and I seem to be regressing. Plus there’s the issue of having to re-tighten my foil between every bout. I don’t know that anyone would really miss me. I don’t think anyone really wants me gone, but I do wonder about that as well.
At work, everytime I don’t do something right, I know that I’ve put a burden on someone. I also know that when I ask people for favors because of something I messed up (or didn’t) I feel like I’m being a burden to them. Maybe that’s why I hate my job so much. I hate having to carry other peoples burdens because if I drop them, then I’m responsible for them. But if I don’t, then I’m burdening them. (With things that were already theirs, I realize, but my point is still valid.) It seems like I really can’t make anyone happy, I’m always asking for favors, and always doing favors, and always making it so that it’s difficult to get the order out the door.
Emily wants to have a nice life too, and I don’t blame her. The problem is that when I quit my job that is burdening me now, I’ve just become a burden to her and any kids we may have. I can’t win here. I wish I could have a job where I know that I’m doing the right thing that didn’t feel like I’m selling out. I think it would be a lot of fun to be a teacher, but I don’t know what kind of a burden that would put on Emily, teacher’s salaries being what they are.
I always hated group work too.
powered by performancing firefox
