I know you’re all thinking that this could be a really long post, but I was thinking in large generalities, not in the very specific, nit-pickting way I sometimes think about. My problem is that I don’t know how to appreciate the gifts that I’ve been given. In short, ingratitude. I have a good job. It’s really not anywhere near as bad as I make it out to be. I’m a cynical soul, and I find that most of the corporate motivational tactics are juvenille, manipulatory, and designed to hide the fact that everyone should be getting paid a lot more than they are. I have a good ward with a great bishop where people teach and practice the gospel. There’s no reason for me to harp on and pick on the teachers because I don’t find the lesson to have a polished presentation. I should be grateful that they’re there and do everything I can to have the Spirit with me to teach me what I need to know from the lesson. I have a fiancee who loves me, and I love her very much. I don’t feel, however, that I can talk to her about certain things without preparing to get beaten down. I’m already feeling hesitant to breach certain subjects. The bad thing is that the subjects that I don’t really want to breach are the subjects that we two really do need to work together on. I know that I’m supposed to marry the girl I’m engaged to, but I have no idea why. I feel like she holds me back from doing things that I could do, and she does it by forcing me to look an extra step or three into the future. It’s a good thing and it will definitely make me more responsible, but I can’t help but feel that my dreams are being crushed by her reality.
On the other hand, I don’t really know what my dreams are. All of my dreams are either things that seem impossible or things that would feel like selling out. Could Emily love me if she knew I was going to be poor my entire life?
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